Teenage Girls Corupting HP one story at a time!
by Lil Miss Snarker
Summary: Twisted Stories me and friends wrote. Very funny...also very offensive. Includes slash, incest, self harm, Jungle Fever, Ginger abuse, and fratanizing with Dementors...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer thingy:**

Me: Jo is god and therefore owns all things, including Harry and the gang, Please don't sue!

_Dedicated to Eliza, my co-author..._

**Let's Not Speak of This: A Harry Potter Soap Opera**

Snow fell down out the window of the Slytherin common room as Draco Malfoy slamed Ginny Weasley against the wall and began to kiss her.

"Oh Draco, I love you."

"Oh Gin, its so nice to be with you without that nastly potter around!"

"Err yes..." said Ginny before kissing Draco to shut him up. At that moment, Ron  
threw the door open.

"Oh my god Ginny, how could you do this to me- I mean mum, and er Malfoy?"

"Won Won, its not what it looks like!" she exclaimed, earning an odd look from Draco.

_Dun-Dun-Dun_

"I think this whole thing sort of gives itself away don't you think?" exclaimed Ron in tears.

"But Ginny…? He's your brother-"

"Or is he?" asked Snape, coming up from behind them, "Admit it Weasly, you knew it all along, Ginny is really my daughter, Ginny Snape, and you aren't related to her at all. But Ginny Snape IS related to... Haryy Potter, or Harry Snape"

_Dun-Dun-Dun_

Everyone turned and looked at Ron in amazment

"It's true ok, I just wanted to be closer to her, but I didn't know about that, but well, he'll be surprised. The point is, Ginny is mine!"

"So Weasly," began Malfoy, walking up to Ron, "You think that just because you have beautiful red locks, a muscular upper body, brilliant hazel eyes and you can take my Gin away from me? Well, I'm going to tell you why your wrong...in the hall."

And then for some odd reason everyone stepped out into the hall...only to find...HARRY AND HERMIONE SNOGGING! The two were obviously unaware of the crowd, so eventually Snape coughed to get them to look up.

"Harry, I mean Hermione, how could you do this too me?" asked Ron forlournly.

_Dun-Dun-Dun_

"Oh Won-Won its not how it looks!" exclaimed both Harry and Hermione in unison.

Hermione eyed Harry suspiciously before going on, "Oh Ron, I suppose I was just jealous, I saw Ginny, your "sister" with a sixth year and, it must have been you!"

"Yeah...Ron" said Harry slowly.

"Potter, she's you're sister!" exclaimed Draco in disgust.

"That's not ALL she is, she is also you're second cousin!" said Dumbledore...appearing out of no where.

"Wait what?" asked Ron

"See, Ginny's mother is really Belatrix Le--"

"God Ginny, who aren't you related too anymore?" asked Hermione, obviously annoyed the red head was getting the most attention.

"You're one to talk, sleeping with Malfoy over there!"

_Dun-Dun-Dun_

"Oh, Hermione! Why? Hermione, I love you," said Harry.

"Draco, I love you!" said Hermione.

"Ginny, I love you!" said Draco.

"Ron, I love you!" said Ginny.

"Harry I--"

"Not now Weasly!" exclaimed Snape.

"Oh Severus, you're so possesive!" said Dumbledore before stepping towards Snape and giggling like a girl...everyone, in turn, took a step back from Dumbledore.

_Dun-Dun-Dun_

"Well, Well, Well, isn't this a jolly group?" asked Cornealius Fudge...coming out of nowhere.

"Neily! I umm, wasn't expecting you!" said Dumbledore nervously.

"Yes, Al, I know. and there's something else I know. Several things in fact. Number 1. Not only are you Ginny Snape's grandfather--"

"Not on her father's side!" Dumbledore added before winking at Snape.

"You're Harry Snape's great uncle. And Ron Weasly's step-father. Also, you are Rubeus Hagrid's father. And finally, lets not forget, Hagrid's evil, oddly different looking, twin brother...Gildroy Lockhart."

Everyone took another step back from Dumbledore

"But Neily! How could you?"

"Oh save it! I saw you Minerva. Have a thing for younger women eh? Well, now I'll epose everyone's secrets! Ron, you're father isn't Aurthur Weasly at all, he is…JAMES POTTER, and you are, Ron Potter, the stopper of Lord Voldemort."

Everyone turned slowly towards Ron, who looked awestruck. Everyone that is, except Harry, who looked at the ground

"You knew all this time, didn't you Harry?" asked Ron quietly.

"Okay, it's true Won-Won, but I thought… I thought you wouldn't like me anymore."

"Oh Harry, you know its more then that."

Ron looked at Harry adoringly. Malfoy looked heart-broken.

"That's not all," said Fudge, "Uou Albus Dumbledore, are Lord Voldemort! And you killed Aurthur Weasley!"

"You killed daddy!" exclaimed Ginny before slapping him.

"Ginny," said Harry, "he isn't your father. He isn't our father."

"Oh whatever."

"So let me get this straight," begain Hermione:

"Dumbledore is Voldemort, Draco is in love with me, Ginny and uh Ron...Harry is Harry Snape,and Ginny is Ginny Snape, Ron is the real Ron Potter or whatever, Dumbledore has a thing for Professor Snape, McGonnaggal, Fudge, and is Ron's grandfather. And Ginny is sleeping with her brothers..."

"That would be the gist of it, yes," replied Dumbledore.

"Huh...okay: What the hell is going on between Harry and Ron?"

"You know what Niece," began Snape, "I mean Hermione, we need not speak of this? Got it?"

Everyone nodded.

"Now off to bed youngsters!" said Dumbledore.

They all smiled and walked away.

END

A/N: Just something amy friend Eliza and I wrote together, we are twisted souls...

Please read and review!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: These charachters belong on to JKR

_To Eliza, Arianna, and Alex: the author's of this peice._

**The Emo Adventures of Harry Snape and Friends**

"Can I borrow your razor?" Harry asked ron, his red and black streaked hair fell over his elvis-costello style glasses.

"No, I'm using it, and Hermione has my messenger bag" Said Ron

"Damn….fuck, life sucks, no one gets me," Harry whispered to Ron

"It's ok" Ron said, "I'm with you" He picked up his head, and pushed a way a lock of gorgeous hair, their lips locked. Then came Neville. Then came Draco. Then came Dumbledore. Then came the demenotors. In a passionate fury, the Demontor massaged Draco's gelled locks, and thrust, his tounge around.

After they were done making out, the demontor pulled out his bass, and they jammed for a while. Ron on drums, Harry and Draco on lead, and Dumbledore….the groupie.

Hermione and Ginny came up "You guys up for the rocky horror picture show?" She asked.

"Let me get my whore outfit" Shouted Snape

"Thursday already?" Asked Ron

"Haha. Life sucks." Said Ginny

They all made out a bit more...Then, Draco asked

to borrow Ginny's leather

Pants, but apparently in a orgy of anger and depression, Ginny had lost them….she suspected that Parvati had them.

"Shit" Said Ron, his black eyes cast downwards. He went into a closet, and turned his black iPod nano to his favorite dashboard confessional song. Harry followed him in.

"Let's listen to hawthorn heights" Said Harry

"They're not emo. They're posers."  
"Yes." Said Harry. They took turns jacking-off. "This is pretty hot"  
said Draco, standing at the door.

"Draco, wow" Said Harry.

"Wanna borrow my eyeliner, Harry" Draco said sheepishly

"I uh…already have Ron's." This was awkward. Draco's pasty skin turned further pale, he looked like a goth.

"I'm gonna go listen to some Manson" Said Draco.

"The goth is dead man" Said Ron, He was strattling Harry, but Harry pushed him away.

"Ron, I feel so, dejected….so dejected. So very dejected. Very dejected. Dejected. Dejected. And alone. Alone and dejected. Dejected…..and alone"

"I know how you feel. Let me get my fishnets." Said Ron, knowing it would cheer Harry up.

"Oh Ron" Harry pulled off his wizard robes, he flipped his hair, and waited to return to the closet. He sighed. He jacked off a bit more. He sighed. He sighed. He sighed. He rubbed his manhood, and named it "Burn" Burn, once Ron gets back with 'Cutty' we're going to have some emo fun. Some emo death fun. Some death emo fun"

Burn nodded. But Cutty did not come back. Ron did.

"I was feeling so alone, without you, I let Ginny have a go, on Cutty. She still has him" She and Hermione are off somewhere.

"Damn." Said Harry  
"Damn." Said Ron

"Death" Said Dumbledore

"Death" Said Harry.

You walked in. You were wearing Draco's jumper. It was pretty obvious what had happened. "We were just taking some pics for myspace" You said. Draco felt dejected. But not alone. He had Snape and Cutty

"Yep." Said Dumbledore

"Life sucks" Said Snape. He opened up his goth black outfit, to reveal his shriveled manhood. Harry was just so curious. He leaned in, and gave it a nice hearty squeeze. It felt like his lunch, at weinershintzel.

They all climbed in, and Snape closed his goth outfit oncemore. Then, They began to form a club. It was called D.E.A.T.H.S. , it stood for Damn Emo Angsties That hate sunshine. Order 1: Fuck. They completed that very well.

Order 2: Fuck in a more creative manor

Order 3: Write an emo song

Order 4: Fuck

Order 5: Die

But they couldn't find their quills. Harry suggested etching their suicide notes in their own blood, But Dumbledore said it'd be to hard, because they'd already be dead.

"I already am dead" Said Draco

"That's deep" Said Harry.

"Real deep." Said Ron

"You're so hot" Said Dumbledore

"So very hot" You said. Then, they took turns cutting eachother. Then, they realized that you were an asshole. So they kicked you out of D.E.A.T.H.s, and you became a prep, but you couldn't play tennis.

THE END


	3. Chapter 3

Diclaimer: no. i don't own harry potter.

_To my beautiful co-author Lauren._

Harry Potter and the Bad Cookies!

Harry ran through Hogwarts as the children cried, being forced by the death eaters to listen to My Humps over and over again. He would now kill Voldemort!

Running as fast as he could, the stitch in his side hurting horribly, harry looked for some possibility of escape. He needed to kill voldemort now. Here and now, there could be no other time. He readied his wand, so that he could summon something he saw as a potential killing weapon with the popular retrieval curse, accio. He looked desperately around as he ran. Then he saw it, not the perfect weapon, but the only one he had (he couldn't use his wand to kill voldemort, it was a part of the prophecy that dumbledore forgot to tell harry) it was a small slytherin boy by then name of Fizgig! Harry grabbed Fizgig and ran to the head master's office, knowing that's where Voldemort would be. As he came to the golden eagle he realized he... DIDN'T know the passoword.

"Hmmm" Harry thought, "Voldemort? Tom? Death"

"Kittens?" Fizgig suggested, amazingly enough the door opened. There stood the most horrible sight in the world--nothing. Well, do you know how sometimes what isn't there, scares you the most? Harry had that. It actually wasn't nothing, it was a brick wall.

Harry stood there, holding little Fizgig in his hands. Amazingly dim as Fizgig happened to be, he had not been putting up any fight at all--until now. He had finally realized that he was to be the lethal weapon involved in killing the man (sort of) that his parents (faithful death eaters) had taken so much fervor to protect. While Harry was unsupectingly focusing on how to get past the wall, Fizgig BIT harry's hand and blood squirted EVERYWHERE. All over the curtains and the rug--and on the wall. Just as it had before, at the caves, the wall split open and there was the person Harry was least expecting to see.

Ginny sat on the couch in Dumbledore's old office with a bored look on her face while Voldemort sat in the big chair, his feat on the desk. "Ginny? What are you doing here?"

Ginny looked at Harry, letting out an awkward sigh "Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you..." she said, getting up from her seat, "Tom and I have sort of reconsiled and he may or may not have asked me to be his queen..."

"Ooooo, burn" said FizGig, still grasped in Harry's arms. "Bu-bu-bu-but" "Harry, don't get me wrong, "said Ginny sweetly, "You're real nice, but once you go black, you never go back..."

"He's not black!" exclaimed Harry.

"Hey!" yelled Voldemort, "Just because I'm albino dosn't mean I don't have strong negra flava!"

"I'm black!!!" Harry screamed, "I'm black in spirit!"

Ginny looked at him pityingly. "You know I like a man with power." said ginny.

Voldemort was now stirring up a pot of coffee. "One for you, my sweet?"

"Thanks, babe." said Ginny. Voldemort scurried over to the cabinet for some sugar and milk. "NO! I mean, Voldy, you know, I like my coffee black." said Ginny, hesitantly at first, but then which grew gradually more flirtacious. She licked her lips at Voldemort. Then she saw the look on Harry's face.

"Harry", she said sternly, "Harry, YOU broke up with me. I didn't start this. You brought this upon yourself."

Harry was surprised to hear this misinterpretation. "NO, no Ginny maybe we shouldn't talk about this here."

"Talk about WHAT here? Talk about my relationship with the man I love? I know he's a bad cookie, Harry. But maybe I like bad cookies. Maybe I like dark chocolatey hard and crunchy bad ones. The ones you can taste. Not the cheap, heroic, fake ones. The ones that are sugar cookies. The ones you get from the store that come in the little ready made dough packages. I want one that's already baked."

Harry looked at her for a moment, "Ginny, you know I can be chocolaty, remember the night we got into the chocolate syrup and got…better aquainted."

Ginny rolled her eyes, "Oh please, you don't even know how to satisfy a woman!"

"Double burn!" yelled FizGig, Harry dropped the boy on his head, getting sick of the commentary. Suddenly FizGig starting bleeding. Voldemort ran towards the boy and picked him up, craddeling him like a baby.

Ginny squealed, "He's so cute!!! Can we adopt him?"

Voldemort turned to her, "Now baby, you that adoption is for barren people and those who want assain children. Will induct him into the cause."

Harry glared at them, "This is _so _not cool."

"I know, that's what makes him so hot." obsessed Ginny.

Neville Longbottom burst into the room, panting and sweating. "Harry!" he said, "I just got a new haircut and I had to show you because my grandma asked me what harry potter thinks and obviously, you know, we don't know what Harry Potter thinks until we ask him and I just really wanted to tell you I'm going to this new girl, her name's Lindsay and she works at Mega Chops wizarding barber shop and I know, you know, that MC isn't really that reliable and nice usually but this new girl really gets it done ni--"

Ginny was using her mind powers to manipulate Neville. Neville walked blindly across the room and grabbed a pair of barbershop scissors that Voldemort just happened to have in his hand. He started cutting off all of his hair. When Ginny had stopped, all he was left with were a few pathetic little patches of hair attached to his head. Even Harry laughed, though he didn't know why. Somehow being in the presence of Voldemort and the others brought out the worst side in him. He couldn't explain it, but he really felt comfortable with these people, almost like best friends at a dinner party.

"Oh dear!" exclaimed Neville in an oddly southern accent before fainting FizGig giggled and asked Voldemort if he could keep Neville as a pet.

"I can't deny anything, look at those eyes!" Ginny agreed and the two joined and a small, lovely kiss.

"Harry, we're fine here, why don't you go find Draco, he's been looking for you," said Ginny before turning back to her strong black man.

Harry nodded and walked away from the strange scene and found Draco down the hall, "Ginny said you wanted me?"

Draco grabbed Harry and kissed him hard. Harry's eyes widened as he pulled away from Draco, looking at him agrily, he said "Too much tongue!"

The two began kissing again and after a while Nigel walked buy, "Do either of you know why I'm in the movies now and the house elves aren't when I'm not in the books?"

"For the same reason Lavender Brown is nowhere to be found, I guess," said Harry before grabbing Draco's ass, "Now run along and play Nigel."

"Use a condom," he said to them before skipping along.

Harry was confused, but not altogether put aback. He stroked draco's bleach blonde hair and sniffed it like a dog before whispering in his ear "Draco, I've always had a thing for you, okay? But are you working with these people? What about snape? Where is he? WHERE IS HE I'LL KILL HIM!" Harry screamed. Unfortunately he still had his mouth close to Draco's ear in whispering mode.

Malfoy was not very pleased, as he had now temporarily "lost hearing in my right ear, prat!!!" Harry hesitated. "I'm sorry, okay? I really miss Dumbledore. I always wonder if…if there's some way to bring him back…if there's a possibility that…he's not really dead. I miss him."

Draco looked suspicious. "You and Dumbledore…you aren't—weren't—you weren't…involved?"

"WHAT? No!!! Ew. Sick. Disgusting. Egregious. Only that one time. Revolting." Harry could say no more on the subject. It was just too gross.

Malfoy smiled in a really sexy, seductive way. He linked arms with Harry. "Come with me. I know a room where we can get it on, and I'll tell you about Dumbledore and Snape over a glass of wine. But I can't say anything here. Voldemort thinks I'm with him."

"Draco…you are with him."

"Well yeah…but…can we just get the wine?"

"Will you put a ruffee in my drink?" Harry asked.

"Only if you want me too…"

"Well there's something you don't see everyday," commented Hermione to Ron as the two walked up, Ron bleeding profusely from his chest.

"Oh my God! Ron, what happened?" asked Harry suddenly concerned as Draco pouted at the interruption.

"They ripped my heart out."

"Umm…shouldn't you be dead, Weasley?" Draco asked.

"Probably…"

"What: your guy can survive a killing curse but my guy can't walk around without a heart? That is just racism!"

"How???" asked Harry and Draco is union, very confused.

"Prejudice against Gingers, you two she be ashamed." And with that, she stormed off.

"Next thing you know she'll making hats for us," Ron groaned before looking back at them, "Use a condom."

The two watched Ron run after Hermione before turning back to each other, "Now where were we?"

"We were--"

"Harry Potter, sir! So glad to see you in fit shape! But what is he doing wit the Malfoy boy?"

"Ohh…Hi, Dobby. Erm. How are you?"

"I am fine Harry Potter sir. The weapon is ready."

"What weapon? I thought you already had a weapon." exclaimed Draco.

"What? OH! You mean…" Harry was cracking up. "You mean the little kid! Oh I lost him ages ago. Anway, he was just my backup weapon because I had to buy some time. We've been building this one for ages."

"Harry Potter sir, the weapon!"

"Yes, yes dobby. I'm sure you'll be fine with it."

"Sir, it needs to stay in the sunlight."

"Right."

"And it can't get too hot."

"Yeah."

"And it needs Harry Potter sir's love and nurturing."

"Mhm."

"We can't let cats near it."

"I kn—what?"

"Harry Potter sir, you must come see it."

"Mmm. Okay. But Draco gets to come."

"But sir, the Malfoy boy is a BAD COOKIE!"

"Yeah well maybe I LIKE bad cookies."

"…"

"He's my boyfriend, he's coming. End of story."

They went to go to see the weapon it was beautiful and glorious and.

Then Fizwig woke up and realized it was all a dream……


End file.
